Our most recent essay was to produce a piece of writing in relation to our studio work. This really helped me to underpin what my work is truly about and why/ what led me to this. I have chosen a few selected paragraphs:
“One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.”
- Sigmund Freud
I was ten, and as a family, we were at the NEC show room in Birmingham. It was packed full of people; heaving. It was here where I had my first ‘dizzy spell’. It was actually an inner ear infection, called labyrinthitis. It attacks your balance, the room is spinning, the walls are closing in on you, the floor is moving – making it hard to stand. It feels as though you are falling backwards out of your body, watching this all happen to you in slow motion. For the first time in my life, I had no control.
Even with a course of antibiotics, labyrinthitis can stay with you from one day to one year. It damages your inner ear and your brain has to learn readjust to counteract the damage. Mine lasted a year. It took over my life. I had anxiety and panic attacks from it, worrying about when my next ‘dizzy spell’ would happen. I had no control. On average I would have four a day and they could last for five minutes to two hours. Everything got so bad that I took a year of school and could not leave my house. This took its toll on everyone. I remember having people coming to the house saying that my parents will be in trouble if I do not go to school, but how can a ten year old, articulate what is happening inside their head?
“Conversely, anxiety and fear may result from a disturbing realization: If what I once believed to be true now appears false, other beliefs may prove to be false as well.”
- Frost
“Lying happens in a dynamic interaction where liar and listener dance around one another, changing their thoughts in response to each other’s moves.”
- Buller
.....
No one seemed to understand what I was going through, or ever will. This has been both infuriating and frustrating and I want to ensure that I shape others’ experiences in my work. My audience sees what I want them to see, I control what they experience. Then I allow them to realise that they were deceived in their initial observation when looking at my work, somewhat echoing my past experiences.
I did not get the attention or recognition from many people to what was going on inside me. So highlighted now within my work, deception is key. My final films are projected huge, to grab my audience’s attention immediately, and once they understand what they are seeing is not real; I want them to acknowledge that they have been deceived. I wanted someone to stop and look at me when I was 10 and realise something was not right, but many went on with their lives believing it was a phase I was going through.
Deception is looking at a little girl thinking she is fine, but power and control is getting through every moment as it comes. And I am in control of my audience.
- Sigmund Freud
I was ten, and as a family, we were at the NEC show room in Birmingham. It was packed full of people; heaving. It was here where I had my first ‘dizzy spell’. It was actually an inner ear infection, called labyrinthitis. It attacks your balance, the room is spinning, the walls are closing in on you, the floor is moving – making it hard to stand. It feels as though you are falling backwards out of your body, watching this all happen to you in slow motion. For the first time in my life, I had no control.
Even with a course of antibiotics, labyrinthitis can stay with you from one day to one year. It damages your inner ear and your brain has to learn readjust to counteract the damage. Mine lasted a year. It took over my life. I had anxiety and panic attacks from it, worrying about when my next ‘dizzy spell’ would happen. I had no control. On average I would have four a day and they could last for five minutes to two hours. Everything got so bad that I took a year of school and could not leave my house. This took its toll on everyone. I remember having people coming to the house saying that my parents will be in trouble if I do not go to school, but how can a ten year old, articulate what is happening inside their head?
“Conversely, anxiety and fear may result from a disturbing realization: If what I once believed to be true now appears false, other beliefs may prove to be false as well.”
- Frost
“Lying happens in a dynamic interaction where liar and listener dance around one another, changing their thoughts in response to each other’s moves.”
- Buller
.....
No one seemed to understand what I was going through, or ever will. This has been both infuriating and frustrating and I want to ensure that I shape others’ experiences in my work. My audience sees what I want them to see, I control what they experience. Then I allow them to realise that they were deceived in their initial observation when looking at my work, somewhat echoing my past experiences.
I did not get the attention or recognition from many people to what was going on inside me. So highlighted now within my work, deception is key. My final films are projected huge, to grab my audience’s attention immediately, and once they understand what they are seeing is not real; I want them to acknowledge that they have been deceived. I wanted someone to stop and look at me when I was 10 and realise something was not right, but many went on with their lives believing it was a phase I was going through.
Deception is looking at a little girl thinking she is fine, but power and control is getting through every moment as it comes. And I am in control of my audience.